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DEARABBY: My wife and I are disgusted by something we (and our grandson) have never before encountered. Our ex-daughterin- law of 10 years recently told our 16-year-old grandson she kicked her latest boyfriend out because he would not have sex with her. Our grandson was very upset (as were we). Isn’t this considered some sort of abuse? Our grandson and his brother haven’t lived with their mother for the last five years because they were tired of her smoking, drinking and revolving door of boyfriends. They live happily with their father and have little to do with their mother. -- DISGUSTED IN COLORADO DEAR DISGUSTED: Your grandson is a teenager; he isn’t 8. That his mother would say what she did to him is surprising, but it wasn’t “abuse.” Could she have been tipsy when she said it? Fortunately, your grandson no longer lives under her roof and has a father with better judgment. Count your blessings and let this pass. ** DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend carries his keys and several metal accessories on a carabiner, which is always clipped to his belt loop. He lives in my home and is a frequent passenger in my car. I have noticed that his key clip and other items are damaging the paint on my car and door frames at the house as he exits and enters. I have asked him to please remove the clip or make another arrangement for his keys, and although he says he’s “working on the problem,” nothing changes. I’m ready to refuse entry to this key monster. Advice? DINGED IN OHIO DEAR DINGED: Only this. It seems that your irresponsible boyfriend lacks respect for other people’s property or he would have dealt with this promptly. Estimate the cost of refinishing your car and door frames, and then offer him the opportunity to settle up what he owes you, or tell him it’s time to move. ** DEAR ABBY: One of our co-workers doesn’t want to a closer friend even though at work we say we love each other. We want to take the friendship to a deeper level, but she hesitates when we try to hang out outside of work. She has a mansion that many people in our office have seen, but she hasn’t invited us over. She’ll only go to the movies with us. We are worried it is because, in a movie theater, we can’t talk to her. Are we getting mixed messages or coming on too strong? -- GIRLS AT WORK IN MICHIGAN DEAR GIRLS: You are coming on way too strong. There are work relationships and personal relationships. They are not always interchangeable. The woman may “love” working with you. But to assume that it’s OK to pressure her into inviting you to her home or to be grilled about her personal life is wrong. You may mean well, but you girls need to accept the relationship as it is.
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…And Then What Happened?
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DEAR ABBY: I have fallen out with my best friend of 20 years, and I’m not sure how to proceed. A few years ago, she started a new job and became too busy for chats or to catch up. However, whenever we do manage to chat or catch up, she wades in with advice and suggestions about what I “need” to do to improve my situation. I’m recently separated from a marriage of 20 years, and I’m trying to keep things even for my two teenage children. I became increasingly frustrated by how inappropriate her suggestions were and eventually lost my temper. I told her to stop making suggestions as they weren’t helpful, and that she was too removed from my life. This was three months ago, and since then, she has ceased all contact and didn’t reply to my apology for losing my temper. She said no one has ever hurt her the way I hurt her. She has now emailed me asking to meet when she’s less busy, saying she’s still very hurt but she misses me. I miss her too, but at the same time, I don’t miss the stupid suggestions. She’s godmother to one of my children (she has had no contact with her since this happened, even missing her birthday). How should I handle this? I am very hurt at how she deserted me at a time when I needed people around me while going through a painful separation. -- DESERTED IN DUBLIN, IRELAND DEAR DESERTED: Emotions are raw and folks are rarely at their best when going through a divorce. At the same time, your friend appears to be stressed because of her work schedule. Since your separation, you are looking for more emotional support and contact than she is now able to give you. She, too, was hurt when you -- with no filter -- rejected her attempts to be helpful. You did the right thing to apologize. Be glad there is a thaw on the horizon because, with time, things may improve if you can tactfully communicate what you need and do not need from her. ** DEAR ABBY: We just moved back to Southern California and into a gated community. My neighbor’s property is higher than mine, and she has a spiky, thorny hedge that’s growing over into my property and staining the side of my house. I went over and introduced myself, wanting to discuss the issue. My neighbor’s reply was, “That’s YOUR hedge!” The next thing I know, she has a person trim it and throw all of the clippings into my backyard for me to clean up. How do I deal with a neighbor like this? -- THORNY RELATIONSHIP DEAR THORNY: Contact the homeowner’s association and describe what has been going on. Your neighbor may be violating the covenants, conditions and restrictions (CC&Rs). (There may be fines for this.) It is important that you establish where your property line ends and hers begins. If the plant really is on your land, you may have the right to remove it entirely.
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DEAR ABBY: My wife is having an affair with an old flame from when she was in high school. He was just released from prison after serving time for murder. I have forgiven her, but I told her to stop the contact. She said she’d rather divorce me than do that; I would have to live with what’s going on. I love my wife, so I compromise for now. She now has put me out of the marital bed, and I am not allowed to touch or hug her. I still do my husband- type chores. Please, I need your advice. -- SIDELINED IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR SIDELINED: I am sorry for your pain, of which I’m sure there is plenty. By ousting you from the marriage bed, your wife has effectively deserted you. You may forgive her for the ongoing affair, but tolerating the status quo will not save your marriage. It is important that you seek legal counsel now to help you in the months ahead, because you are going to need it.
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DEAR ABBY: I’m a Christian. I’ve raised my family to be Christians, and they have raised theirs to be Christians, even though we may not all be members of the same denomination. One of my grandsons believes that his denomination is the only one and the rest of us are all sinners. He and his wife have decided that no one outside of his church can see his child. It’s his decision, his choice, but I’m heartbroken and, of course, angry. I’m afraid my great-grandchild will grow up never knowing his great-grandparents or his grandparents. I believe that I will never know him. I told my grandson I understand that this is his family and, therefore, his choice. He knows I’m heartbroken. Since they won’t be coming to family gatherings, how should I handle gifts in the future? Should I acknowledge the baby and send a gift in the mail? I pray that someday soon my grandson realizes that we love him and his family. -- PRINCIPLED IN FLORIDA DEAR PRINCIPLED: I always thought Christianity was a welcoming religion. This is the first time I have heard of a denomination that decides other Christians are not Christian enough. The church your grandson has joined sounds more like a cult than a religion. Before making any decisions about how, what or whether to gift anything to the new baby, ask your grandson whether accepting a gift from an “outsider” is even allowed.
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…And Then What Happened?
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